I am making life choices these days. Or I should say I am suppose to be making life choices. A part of me wants to run. Get out of dodge. I don’t want to be a grown up. I want to go off and be broke and help people who are much much much more broke than I will ever be. A part of me wants to help strangers and children who can not help themselves. Because really, if I am helping them, I don’t have to help myself.  There are a lot of questions I need to ask myself before I can make the next step. The right choice. I had no answers for these questions so… I painted instead. I will tackle the tough stuff tomorrow. Now, I just need to wash all the paint off and sleep. 

I am making life choices these days. Or I should say I am suppose to be making life choices. A part of me wants to run. Get out of dodge. I don’t want to be a grown up. I want to go off and be broke and help people who are much much much more broke than I will ever be. A part of me wants to help strangers and children who can not help themselves. Because really, if I am helping them, I don’t have to help myself. 

There are a lot of questions I need to ask myself before I can make the next step. The right choice.

I had no answers for these questions so… I painted instead.

I will tackle the tough stuff tomorrow. Now, I just need to wash all the paint off and sleep. 

1 month ago
In the movies, girl meets guy, they go on a lovely date, face a small optiscal that looks like a big opstical and live happily every after.  In real life, girl goes out, gets wasted, spills drink on dude, calls him a douche, makes out with him in a dark hall while simultaneously blacking out then wakes up in the morning and tries to figure out if it is important to search for her bra before leaving while he still sleeps.  Real life sucks. I want the fairy tale. 

In the movies, girl meets guy, they go on a lovely date, face a small optiscal that looks like a big opstical and live happily every after. 

In real life, girl goes out, gets wasted, spills drink on dude, calls him a douche, makes out with him in a dark hall while simultaneously blacking out then wakes up in the morning and tries to figure out if it is important to search for her bra before leaving while he still sleeps. 

Real life sucks. I want the fairy tale. 

1 month ago
New Work.

New Work.

2 months ago

Charming

So, in my dream last night I meant this boy. I don’t know his name or even any distinct detail of his face. I just remember our meeting. It was at some party at some person’s house and he was the photographer. He was trying to do something cool with the helium balloons as a backdrop or whatever for like pictures. Anyway I give him this idea and he likes it so he uses me as a test to see if it will work. So I stand there and he takes pictures of me. Its silly and cute because I have this bundle of balloons and i am playing with them and being silly and taking silly cute photos. I end up helping his take the pics of all the other people and it is really fun, and flirty. There wasn’t anything scandalous about the encounter. Just this feeling I woke up with. Like after you meet someone you might like. I miss that feeling. I realize that I haven’t felt that since that jerk Jimmy. I am in such a good place in my life right now, and I am so happy and am not complaining. It has taken me a long long long time to get here. BUt I can’t help wondering if I am going to find someone or if it really is going to just be me. The idea of being single doesn’t scare me, because I have been doing it for so so long. But like, It would just be super nice to know. IDK. .
It really was a lovely dream. :) 
<3<3<3<3<3<3

2 months ago

I am ready for my next first kiss. 

3 months ago
The 30th Birthday Freakout!!! So my birthday is coming up and everyone I know is like trying to prepare me for this freakout. Like I am going to have some sort of midlife crisis. Well, they are either preparing me, or trying to cause it. LOL. I am OK with the fact that I am not married and have no kids. Why aren&#8217;t you? It&#8217;s like&#8230; sure i&#8217;d like to meet a dude I can like for more than a week. Sure i&#8217;d be nice to be having sex on a regular basis. However the fact that I am not and have none of the things I previously mentioned does not make me want to like&#8230; go to Jamaica have a midlife crisis and try and get my groove back with some 19 year old boy.  It makes me wonder&#8230;Why does the world suddenly look at your single status as sad and lonely instead of awesome and successful as soon as you leave your 30s? 

The 30th Birthday Freakout!!!

So my birthday is coming up and everyone I know is like trying to prepare me for this freakout. Like I am going to have some sort of midlife crisis. Well, they are either preparing me, or trying to cause it. LOL. I am OK with the fact that I am not married and have no kids. Why aren’t you? It’s like… sure i’d like to meet a dude I can like for more than a week. Sure i’d be nice to be having sex on a regular basis. However the fact that I am not and have none of the things I previously mentioned does not make me want to like… go to Jamaica have a midlife crisis and try and get my groove back with some 19 year old boy. 

It makes me wonder…
Why does the world suddenly look at your single status as sad and lonely instead of awesome and successful as soon as you leave your 30s? 

3 months ago
I was in the middle of a nervous sleep. My mind was so reluctant to close my eyes, because you were there. In the near silence, only our breath and the music. Soft notes poured from the speakers all over us. From head to toe, I was drenched. In anticipation, in desire, in fear. All these emotions mashed up into one. Forming a blanket that covered me. I fought the sleep for as long as I could but the music won. Each note and chord making my eye lids heavy, pushing me into my dreams of you. In my dreams you did all the right things, you said all of the right things. I was happy in my dreams. But slowly the pressure of your hands and body pushed me back into the dark with you. Shoulder to shoulder. In the near silence and dark we made choices. My body folded into the curves and nooks of yours. My hands danced across your soft skin. Learning every single inch. Breath to breath, chest to chest. We pressed into each other trying to make two bodies disappear leaving only one. The music faded in my find leaving me only you. Your soft moans and shivers of anticipation. It was all the music I needed. Maybe not forever, but in that moment it was all I ever needed. 

I was in the middle of a nervous sleep. My mind was so reluctant to close my eyes, because you were there. In the near silence, only our breath and the music. Soft notes poured from the speakers all over us. From head to toe, I was drenched. In anticipation, in desire, in fear. All these emotions mashed up into one. Forming a blanket that covered me. I fought the sleep for as long as I could but the music won. Each note and chord making my eye lids heavy, pushing me into my dreams of you. In my dreams you did all the right things, you said all of the right things. I was happy in my dreams. But slowly the pressure of your hands and body pushed me back into the dark with you. Shoulder to shoulder. In the near silence and dark we made choices. My body folded into the curves and nooks of yours. My hands danced across your soft skin. Learning every single inch. Breath to breath, chest to chest. We pressed into each other trying to make two bodies disappear leaving only one. The music faded in my find leaving me only you. Your soft moans and shivers of anticipation. It was all the music I needed. Maybe not forever, but in that moment it was all I ever needed. 

4 months ago

LLLOOOVVVEE

4 months ago

Rain Boots

The weight is heavy

pressing down on my shoulders

pushing me deeper and deeper into your judgement.

Your eyes look at me as if I don’t matter. 

My tears fall from my eyes like rain. 

Rain, Rain, Rain.

Flooding the streets  of my courgage. 

I stand here, 

feet clad in yellow rain boots. 

Stomping through your mud, and shit and judgment. 

I walk these streets with a message. 

Your unhappiness is not my unhappiness. 

I have weathered my storms, and will weather the ones ahead. 

I will laugh after I cry 

I will dance out my bad mood

I will paint the dark clouds that cover my mind and heart and soul

shades of yellow and teal, shades of happy and love. 

Because I love. 

Even when I hate. 

I care even when you spit and kick me 

If you need to frown, and worry and be unhappy then do it. 

I will be here, 

In my rain boots. 

Weathering the storms. 

5 months ago

I miss your soft lips, I miss your white sheets
I miss the scratch of your unshaved face on my cheek
And this is so hard ‘cuz I didn’t see
That you were the love of my life and it kills me

I see your face in strangers on the street
I still say your name when I’m talking in my sleep
And in the limelight, I play it off fine
But I can’t handle it when I turn off my night light

But I can’t handle it when I turn off my night light

They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me
Young love murder, that is what this must be
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone

The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed
Young love murder, that is what this must be
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone

I remember the time we jumped the fence when
The Stones were playing and we were too broke to get in
You held my hand and they made me crawl
I swear to God it was the best night of my life

Or when you took me across the world
We promised that this would last forever but now I see
It was my past life, a beautiful time
Drunk off of nothing but each other ‘til the sunrise

Drunk off of nothing but each other ‘til the sunrise

They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me
Young love murder, that is what this must be
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone

The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed
Young love murder, that is what this must be
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone

It was a past life, a beautiful time
Drunk off of nothing but each other ‘til the sunrise

They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me
Young love murder, that is what this must be
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone

The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed
Young love murder, that is what this must be
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone

5 months ago
Spending my day painting 

Spending my day painting 

5 months ago

I am here.
Cuddled up with my blanket, wishing you were here.
I miss you so much, even after all of this time.
I am missing the half that could make me whole.
Your half.
You should be here, pressed against me, arms around me.
My body curved into yours.
Two puzzle pieces, perfectly fit. 

5 months ago
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

I just want to fall in love. 
I want to love someone with my whole heart.  

” Take my hand, and take my whole life too.”

5 months ago
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

When you’re on, I swear you’re on.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don’t call.
Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you’ll rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don’t, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don’t call.
I throw away everything I’ve written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can’t forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could loose you again.
You’re winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don’t, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don’t call.
If you love me at all..

5 months ago

Love this. 
LOVEEEEEE 

5 months ago